flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia