@AndyRichter

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

@AndyRichter

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

@AndyRichter

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

@AndyRichter

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

@AndyRichter

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

@AndyRichter

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@AndyRichter

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

@AndyRichter

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction