Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.