iPhone X
You Might Also Like
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
how to exercise your calf muscles