They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye