Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@AngryRaccoon2 : If your husband didn't just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling "I am Captain Mildew!" then you are not me.
@AngryRaccoon2: I'm at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word "fun" is used loosely here.
@AngryRaccoon2: Whoever said "time heals all wounds" deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
@AngryRaccoon2: In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
@AngryRaccoon2: My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there's more.
I'm pretty sure she's a witch.
@AngryRaccoon2: I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
@AngryRaccoon2: Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
@AngryRaccoon2: I've never met a day I couldn't ruin.
@AngryRaccoon2: If you remove all the segments where they tell you what's coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
@AngryRaccoon2: "Mom! I made you a character in my video game!"
Me: "Cool! What am I doing?"
"You're angry. I made it just like real life."