Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.