@AngryRaccoon2

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

@AngryRaccoon2

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

@AngryRaccoon2

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

@AngryRaccoon2

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

@AngryRaccoon2

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

@AngryRaccoon2

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

@AngryRaccoon2

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

@AngryRaccoon2

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

@AngryRaccoon2

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.