@AngryRaccoon2

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

@AngryRaccoon2

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

@AngryRaccoon2

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

@AngryRaccoon2

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

@AngryRaccoon2

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

@AngryRaccoon2

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.