My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.