Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.