My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”