@AngryRaccoon2

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

@AngryRaccoon2

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

@AngryRaccoon2

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

@AngryRaccoon2

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

@AngryRaccoon2

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

@AngryRaccoon2

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.