My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.