“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle