him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
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Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”