Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex