Smile Twitter, Smile.
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m giving up ice.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now