Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.