You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”