“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
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My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My god she’s good.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*