Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.