I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Do one person every day that scares you.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica