Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.