Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?