I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.