You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.