Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Generation gap…
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.