St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
You Might Also Like
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
White Castle for the Win
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
so this horse walks into a bar
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for