Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books


Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!


Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what


Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought


*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube


Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks


Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you


Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate


Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet