Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

@ArfMeasures: Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It's incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

@ArfMeasures: Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren't you going tell me it's too weak?

Computer: It is but you don't handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that's not true

@ArfMeasures: 911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there's no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can't fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@ArfMeasures: Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I'm being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

@ArfMeasures: Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@ArfMeasures: Me: Oh God help I've been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

@ArfMeasures: Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that's a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what's the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

@ArfMeasures: Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he's coming

@ArfMeasures: Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I'll be back when they're 6