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Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : 911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there's no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can't fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@ArfMeasures: Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I'm being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

@ArfMeasures: Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@ArfMeasures: Me: Oh God help I've been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

@ArfMeasures: Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that's a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what's the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

@ArfMeasures: Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he's coming

@ArfMeasures: Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I'll be back when they're 6

@ArfMeasures: Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I've answered, let's move on

@ArfMeasures: Flight attendant: As you've sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I've been stabbed
Me: wtf

@ArfMeasures: 9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later