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Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

@ArfMeasures: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I'll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

@ArfMeasures: Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn't work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don't want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

@ArfMeasures: Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they'll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

@ArfMeasures: Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

@ArfMeasures: Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it's the dude over there with no head

@ArfMeasures: Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can't prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

@ArfMeasures: God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you're saying you're....sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

@ArfMeasures: Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

@ArfMeasures: Her: I don't even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us