Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You've got to be kidding me

@ArfMeasures: Doctor: I'm afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he's gonna help you make a will

@ArfMeasures: Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I'm afraid this will be difficult for you to hear


Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

@ArfMeasures: Wife: We're going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it's a very tiny human

@ArfMeasures: Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing's fine, I think it's that murder I did

@ArfMeasures: Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you're not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can't I just click on a box

@ArfMeasures: Date: I don't think we should see each other again

Me: It's because I got in a fight and lost, isn't it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

@ArfMeasures: Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

@ArfMeasures: Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

@ArfMeasures: Gf: We're gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I'm right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he's there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!