Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it


Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted


Cop: can you describe your attacker?

J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages


Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do


Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident


Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what


Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad


Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂


People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.


Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??