Funny Tweeter

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Page of ArfMeasures's best tweets

@ArfMeasures : Date: I don't think we should see each other again

Me: It's because I got in a fight and lost, isn't it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

@ArfMeasures: Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

@ArfMeasures: Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

@ArfMeasures: Gf: We're gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I'm right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he's there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

@ArfMeasures: Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it's so weird

@ArfMeasures: Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

@ArfMeasures: Him: Hey, we haven't spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you've ruined it

@ArfMeasures: Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

@ArfMeasures: Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn't worked

@ArfMeasures: My life is a rollercoaster. There's a lot of sitting down and screaming.