Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Cop: can you describe your attacker?
J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??