@ArfMeasures: Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I'm being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
@ArfMeasures: Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
@ArfMeasures: Me: Oh God help I've been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
@ArfMeasures: Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that's a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what's the answer?
@ArfMeasures: Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he's coming
@ArfMeasures: Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Me: Between 2 and 5
Me: I'll be back when they're 6
@ArfMeasures: Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I've answered, let's move on
@ArfMeasures: Flight attendant: As you've sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I've been stabbed
@ArfMeasures: 9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later