Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet