@ArfMeasures: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I'll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
@ArfMeasures: Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn't work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don't want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
@ArfMeasures: Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they'll believe you
Me: Got it
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
@ArfMeasures: Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
@ArfMeasures: Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it's the dude over there with no head
@ArfMeasures: Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can't prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
@ArfMeasures: God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you're saying you're....sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
@ArfMeasures: Her: I don't even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us