Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?