Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what