The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The Book. The Movie.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register