Lube but for my dry humor.
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
jesus, what did this guy do
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Wake me when AI does housework
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.