When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
