You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Labreador
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv