Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.