You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*pronounces woah like Noah*
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.