I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.