Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
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“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
ok like just. call me at this point
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god