beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
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[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Breaking news:
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
SPLOOT
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!