@AtticusFinch79: [blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you're a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
@AtticusFinch79: [giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
@AtticusFinch79: Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
@AtticusFinch79: [on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That's why I'm on the train
@AtticusFinch79: [face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
@AtticusFinch79: Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That's an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I'm flying United today.
Him: Don't forget your helmet.
@AtticusFinch79: *taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You're not ready for this.
Me: I'm 37, Mom. I've got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
@AtticusFinch79: [taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you're adopted.
@AtticusFinch79: [At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.