Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of AtticusFinch79's best tweets

@AtticusFinch79 : [blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you're a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

@AtticusFinch79: [giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

@AtticusFinch79: Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

@AtticusFinch79: [on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That's why I'm on the train

@AtticusFinch79: [face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

@AtticusFinch79: Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That's an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I'm flying United today.

Him: Don't forget your helmet.

@AtticusFinch79: *taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You're not ready for this.

Me: I'm 37, Mom. I've got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

@AtticusFinch79: [taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you're adopted.

@AtticusFinch79: [At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

@AtticusFinch79: [first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure...