Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
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“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.