I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no