@AubriePesky

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

@AubriePesky

me: my tummy hurts

bf: you ate like 7 slices of pizza

me: please don’t answer questions I didn’t ask

@AubriePesky

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

@AubriePesky

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

@AubriePesky

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

@AubriePesky

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

@AubriePesky

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

@AubriePesky

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

@AubriePesky

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

@AubriePesky

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy