The French word for sex is croissant.
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?