Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 馃檪
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 馃檪
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
hey 馃檪 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.