@AudreyPorne: me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I'm attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
@AudreyPorne: my friend said she won't hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as "thicc"
@AudreyPorne: I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they're showing is a 'dramatic reenactment', like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
@AudreyPorne: "jogging gives me endorphins"
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
@AudreyPorne: if you're too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper "Mother might be getting cold in the pantry" while staring nervously at your kitchen.
@AudreyPorne: I'm eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I'm in a silent French film about sex and death.
@AudreyPorne: women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
@AudreyPorne: Winter sex: "Let's do this". *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
@AudreyPorne: Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I'm not 100% sure what's going on, but I like it.