Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of AudreyPorne's best tweets

@AudreyPorne : to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it's a stressful and busy time for them too :)

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth :)

@AudreyPorne: I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said "it's cause I'm attracted to Hitler, isn't it?" nooo, it's cause you're a Gemini. OF COURSE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

@AudreyPorne: physically I'm in this realm but spiritually I'm running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

@AudreyPorne: hey :) if you're having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

@AudreyPorne: me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I'm attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

@AudreyPorne: my friend said she won't hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as "thicc"

@AudreyPorne: I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they're showing is a 'dramatic reenactment', like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

@AudreyPorne: "jogging gives me endorphins"

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

@AudreyPorne: if you're too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper "Mother might be getting cold in the pantry" while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@AudreyPorne: I'm eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I'm in a silent French film about sex and death.