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Page of AudreyPorne's best tweets

@AudreyPorne : hey :) if you're having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

@AudreyPorne: me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I'm attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

@AudreyPorne: my friend said she won't hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as "thicc"

@AudreyPorne: I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they're showing is a 'dramatic reenactment', like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

@AudreyPorne: "jogging gives me endorphins"

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

@AudreyPorne: if you're too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper "Mother might be getting cold in the pantry" while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@AudreyPorne: I'm eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I'm in a silent French film about sex and death.

@AudreyPorne: women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

@AudreyPorne: Winter sex: "Let's do this". *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

@AudreyPorne: Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I'm not 100% sure what's going on, but I like it.