[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.