Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Brother?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right