Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.