Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
You Might Also Like
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
“our sushi is very fresh”
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.