Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Van Gone
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
this makes me so uncomfortable
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Cat.