Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My Plans 2020
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.