Me: Okay, bed time.
Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.
Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!
I wasn’t kicking you. I was encouraging you to get the hell out of my way.
Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.
“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.
My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.
My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.
Is it the wind? Yes.
Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.
I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
11: Did it rain last night?
11: But it’s so wet!
Me: That’s what she said.