The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”